This morning, I rendezvoused with Pretty Polly Pincushion – not her real name, mind you, but her married name. Her given name, at birth, was Pretty Nice, youngest daughter of the Nice Family. But, I digress.
Polly and I had not seen one another since late last year. I anxiously entered her antechamber, then stepped into the Water Closet to prepare for our ensuing session. Polly, you see, is my Acupuncturist, a Pin Pusher, and it is impossible to pause to pee once Polly proceeds to push her pins.
Polly’s pouty lips puckered into a smile when she saw me. She greeted me pleasantly, “Fat Man. How nice to see you. You seem slimmer since last I saw you. Tell me what you have been doing with yourself.”
As we walked back to the treatment room, I explained the 21-day Program I am currently following and assured her that I am determined to shed 40 pounds within the next 12 months.
Placing a finger to her lips, Polly purred, “Say no more. Say no more. I have just the thing for you.”
“Drop the Fat Belt, lose the Cape, and hop up onto the table.”
“That’s not just a robe,” I grumbled. “It’s my protective Fat Cape.”
”Whatever. Now, lose it.”
I quickly disrobed and plopped my nearly naked corpulence up on the Poker Table. Nearly naked, I say, since I had not shimmied out of my Sponge Bob skivvies. Hey, stop peeking!
I felt safe. I was with Polly. She would never do anything to hurt me.
As I laid there, face down, Polly pushed aside the cards and chips remaining from her prior session. Polly cooed in my ear, “Do you remember what we did last time?”
“Yeah. Well, actually, no.”
“Don’t you remember what I did with the incense? It should have burned itself into your memory. Today, we will pursue the path of moxibustion in hopes of a positive impact on your poundage.”
Oh, yeah, I do remember. That did hurt.
She swiftly stacked smoldering incence cinders on several selected secret sites surrounding my spine. The piquant bouquet of incence and searing skin soon permeated the air.
Polly proceeded with the process of popping each puny pustule, as it appeared on my flesh, with her pointy pins.
“Stay put. I need to step out for a spell.”
I must have drifted off to sleep. I was suddenly aware of Polly’s prescence as she plucked the last pin from my skin.
“Wakey, wakey, Sleepy Head. Time to roll over. That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
To be honest, I rather enjoyed the prickly pain.
“On your front side. We are going to pinpoint your Fat Qi for weight loss. To do that, we must focus on four acupuncture points on your ear – the hunger point, Shen Man point, stomach point, and endocrine point. This will be nice and easy!”
Nine more piercing appointments and this pointy weight loss program will be complete. This is just like popping balloons with a needle, only slower.
And, yes, I am anxiously awaiting my next heated session with Polly. Burn, baby, burn!